LOST
by maybelady
Summary: FEMmihawk walks into a bar in the East Blue. What sounds like the start of a very bad joke is in fact the beginning of a series of gains and losses. What will weight more in the end? Will there be contempt or forgiveness? When there is a son involved, Shanks never knew he had, you never know
1. Chapter 1

She scolded herself for being so weak. She had chosen a path and was supposed to stick with it. She couldn't be regretting her choice though, could she? Mihawk begged this wasn't the first sign of faltering before her child. That she wouldn't take him with her after setting up this extensive web of lies.

She couldn't even begin to come up with a plan of how to explain this to his father. She willed herself to stop thinking. It sounded too much like she was really considering this. And she couldn't. Ever. Too many people were involved that she had to promise to stay away from her son in exchange for their help. His safety.

So why was she here? She was close now, close to breaking vows for the sake of- what?

Mihawk shook her head silently. She had to get a hold of herself now. She had to make a decision.

She paced in front of a small pub in the East Blue. She just wanted to see him, just once. Just _this_ once.

She suddenly understood that she had made this decision a while ago when she had set sail for Foosha Village. Her maternal urges had defeated her at last. Took them seven years.

At least this erased all need for hesitation. She stopped pacing and faced the door. There was a party on the other side of it so she could watch him from a distance even. She walked closer, pushed the door open and froze in her spot.

Why was _he_ here? How could he know? Judging from the tender look in his eyes when he carried her son, _their_ son, he had to know.

But in this moment Mihawk had no longer room for thoughts of had-been-lovers but she finally looked at the little boy. Hers. Her _son_. The words didn't seem to match up in her mind. Too many times had she tried to convince herself that none of this had ever happened. But it had. The prove was there, double feature too. One awake and shaking with anger, the other peacefully asleep and oblivious to the waking world. Mihawk envied him right now. She dragged her eyes from her son, back to the man holding him in his arms. The same man was staring back at her, bit for bit loosing his calm.

"You have one hell of an explaining to do. Don't you dare run off again."

Wordlessly he turned his back on her and walked up the stairs. Mihawk tried to comprehend what had happened here and once more, how he had learned of him in the first place.

Her eyes darted to her sister. It had to have been her. When Makino dropped the glass she was about to fill, it was all the confirmation Mihawk needed. She did not avert her gaze from the other woman when she slowly made her way to the bar.

"You made a promise, sister."

Makino still didn't dare to look her in the eyes. Seeking for help she turned to Benn, and he jumped in to help. Much to his own satisfaction.

"You are despicable. First you dump him from one day to the next and then he has to learn of the reason years later from a stranger. Just so you know, Luffy is coming with us."

"Luffy…" Mihawk wasn't sure whether she liked the name. But it did fill her with an overwhelming feeling of guilt and only her years of experience kept it hidden under her skin.

"Yeah, don't even bother playing mommy now." Shanks had returned from upstairs and plummeted onto a chair next to his first mate. He too had dreaded this confrontation.

"Makino, dear, please keep it coming tonight." He smiled at her but Makino still didn't dare to lift her gaze higher than her hands. She knew her sister was furious with her and a furious Mihawk was a truly fearful thing to be around.

"Shanks, I am sorry." His head shot up, a bewildered yet hurt expression on his face. It almost caught the words in Mihawk's throat. But she kept talking, calmly and surprisingly firmly.

"But Luffy has to stay here."

"You robbed us of six years of our lives, years we will never get back. I don't care what you think is the right thing to do; he is coming with me. End of discussion. You can't show up here and just make decisions. You have no right!" It was rare for Shanks to raise his voice like this, but he was having trouble keeping his rage at bay that had edged its way into his heart.

Shanks also knew he would have to face her sooner or later. Like a broken bone that hadn't been aligned properly before left to heal over time, things needed to be said, as painful as it was, before it would be over, before things could be truly mended. Maybe. At least this was his strategy.

'You, follow me outside.' He couldn't even bring himself to call her by her beautiful name. There had always been this connection between them he had believed once. And then she had disappeared from his side, joined his enemy and betrayed him. She had broken his heart in more than one regard.

Mihawk was on her way back to her ship anyways. Shanks being here had been like fate telling her she should have never come in the first place. So she walked behind him back outside. At least she had seen him once. Her eyes were tearing up but she willed them back with slow and steady breaths.

He looked so much like her though. Too bad he had been asleep. She couldn't help but wonder about his eye color; were they golden like hers or like the dark yet warm orbs of his father? Shanks. Now a tear did roll down her cheek. Her sob made Shanks turn around.

He thought hard, but couldn't remember if he had ever seen her shed a tear, let alone weep like Mihawk was now. He wondered if that was what had brought her here: the crippling regret of giving up on her son. He couldn't help but feel a jolt of pity for her. She was always so proud, so aloof and so lonely.

"Dracule..." Calling her name only made it worse it seemed. Now the tears were shaking her and Shanks was grateful they were out of sight from his men. They hated her deeply and wouldn't hesitate to feast on her sorrow.

"Come, sit down." He had lead her to a porch of a store and sat down next to her. He gave her time, she was in no state to talk.

Mihawk however couldn't get a grip. Seeing the life she could have had was so similar yet so very different from what was now had utterly shaken her to the core. Things were no different except that she was left out form what Shanks would share with his son. Luffy. The name was pulling on her heart, the memory of the peaceful little boy bringing out all the despair she had bottled up inside for the past seven years.

But the time they spent sitting there gave Shanks time to collect his thoughts. Whatever had happened then, he couldn't dismiss it anymore as Mihawk simply being selfish. While he was still furious and angry, those feelings had started to become less blinding. And instead worry had began to replace it. By now her face was swollen from the crying, yet he couldn't help but think that she was still just as beautiful as ever. Maybe even more so.

"Dracule,-" Finally she looked up at him but there was not the calm sense of superiority that she usually emitted. He needed to get at the bottom of this.

"- I'll be honest, I am...mad!" He had looked for the right word, but nothing else had come to mind. There was no word he knew that described how he felt at the moment.

"And angry, and you... You betrayed me, you lied to me, you left me without a word! Why did you do that? Why did you leave with our child? I know we were young, but we could have made it work!"

She looked down to her hands and after a while she did answer. "It wouldn't have worked. If I would have stayed... they would have hunted us. They were hunting us, may I remind you. Our union alone was enough of a threat to the marines. Adding a child..."

There was a small spark of hope in Shanks. "So you didn't leave because of me...?"

Confusion flashed over the features of her face before returning back to the distant expression she usually wore. "I would have stayed with you if it hadn't been for Luffy."

The spark diminished rapidly and the hurt pushed Shanks anger back on the surface. "So you think I'm not fit to be a father? I will prove you wrong, just so you know!"

He had jumped up too and was pacing in front of her now. But Mihawk slightly shook her head. "You misunderstand. Would i have stayed then we would not have been able to withstand the hate Luffy would have faced from the day he was born. If we hadn't been outlaws, I would have stayed. I would have been happy."

The tears that had just subsided were running again. There were too much emotions to hold back, even for one so trained like her. At the same time Shanks had stopped pacing, shocked and once more angry, but for once it was not directed at the woman in front of him.

"What... are you saying? Did somebody made you do that?" He was about to lose it which was partly Mihawk's fault since she was only throwing bits and pieces of information at him at a time.

"Shanks. It was my decision, I will no-"

"Stop! Mihawk." He had to interrupt her. There was just not enough strength left in him to play another one of her games. "Talking to you is just too damn hard! No wonder we never worked out! I only have one more question for you, then you can go and do whatever with your free life without strings attached or whatever the hell it is you want. Do you regret that you gave away your son?"

Mihawk was trembling. She didn't know what to say. This whole thing was so much more complicated than Shanks even considered possible.

"Thought so. Goodbye, Dracule."

She opened her mouth to explain, since no question could ever be enough to draw out all the answers she had in her head and her heart. But no words left her lips. He was gone again.

And before the moon set so was she.

* * *

Shanks was miserable. He even felt physically sick from talking with Mihawk. He had been wrong, nothing was better now that they had talked. Maybe that was how things worked with normal people, but Mihawk wasn't one of those. She had always been extraordinary. In this particular case, extraordinarily selfish.

Shanks jut couldn't figure out why she had even come in the first place. Curiosity maybe? That would be unusual for her. It certainly wasn't to see him, which hurt Shanks more than he would admit to anyone. It would only draw disapproving glances and dismissive shrugging from his crew. Especially Benn. He grew dangerously quiet whenever someone brought up her name. And now with Luffy in the picture it would only be worse.

Luffy. He looked at the little boy in front of him, needing more than half of their bed despite his small stature. He couldn't help but think of her though whenever he looked at his son now. And with that the conflicted struggle in his head started anew.

Without her selfishly choosing a free life over the obligations a parent, he would have had known him as a baby, would have been able to raise him and see him take his first steps, hear him call Dracule 'mama' for the first time... So many things she stole from him. But on the other hand without her, he wouldn't even have Luffy to begin with.

So how was he supposed to feel about her in the end? Full of rage or full of gratitude? It seemed like there was nothing in between.

He repeated their talking earlier in his head.

She had admitted it had been her decision to give him away. But she had also said that she would have stayed with him if it wasn't for Luffy and not because she considered him a bad father but for the boy's safety.

And maybe she had been right. As much as Shanks fought against it, there was the possibility that Luffy wouldn't have made it to this age otherwise. And there was something else she had said he remembered now. '_I would have been happy.'_

Shanks stomach twisted. He hadn't listened well enough. Had only searched for answers, not for explanations. The implications weighted heavy on him. Had she really not been happy the past years? She had gained so much in that time. After shedding her old life that included him and Luffy she had risen to the top in the rows of his enemies.

He hat up in bed. All the time he had wondered who had helped her hide Luffy. And just like that the puzzle pieces fell into place.

It started to dawn to him that they, and he had a good idea who that was now, hadn't helped her anonymously and out of good heart. He felt sick, he had to talk to her, had to hear her confirm his worst nightmares. That she hadn't hidden Luffy from the enemy but felt more secure asking them for help than the father of her child.

He rushed down the stairs and out the door. He hoped Mihawk wouldn't still be sitting on the porch where he had walked away from her because that image would be one he wouldn't ever be able to forget.

Running past the familiar porch the relief brought a small smile to his face. But that was short lived when he reached the port and found her ship gone. He plummeted to the ground, his hopes that they could part on good terms gone with her.

They had almost had it. He had been ready to forgive her even, understanding that she had suffered as well. And maybe...

But now he really had lost her.

Shanks wrote her name in the dirt, like he always did when he missed her. He often did that, hoping that maybe, by some strange run of luck, she would find one and read it and know someone was still thinking of her all the time.

When the sun was announcing her return Shanks rose and walked back to Makino's place. Luffy was usually up early and always the first to have breakfast and if Shanks wasn't next to him when he woke up he would wonder and ask and the conversation about his mother wasn't one Shanks wasn't ready to have with him. He hadn't even managed to tell him he was his son yet because there were too many things he hadn't understood about the whole situation himself. But now that Mihawk had both confirmed he truly was his father and given him enough information to piece together the truth...

Stepping up the stairs he decided, that today he would. And that brought a smile to his face at once. Today Luffy would get a father and by tomorrow he would have a home out at sea.

And all of this would be behind them.

* * *

Mihawk couldn't sleep.

She found no rest and no comfort knowing that there was no going back now.

She had failed. Not when Mihawk had put Luffy into Garp's care but when she had failed to keep it like this. When she had not succeeded in convincing Shanks that Luffy needed to stay in Foosha, that he needed to stay hidden.

It meant all of her sacrifices had been for naught too. This time she held her tears back. It had occurred to her that the main reason she hadn't been able to stop crying had been Shanks' presence. He was the one whose eyes could really pierce everything; at least they were the only thing that could look right through her. He shed her armor with a simple glance.

She shouldn't have left him then. The price had been too high. It had numbed her over the years and it had taken his unexpected appearance to make her feel what had accumulated over the years.

Again there were tears, but the wind kissed them away this time. But she couldn't help wishing it were Shanks' lips instead.

She shouldn't have left him now. Mihawk looked back form where she had come, although the land had disappeared from her sight a long time ago and realized she had repeated her mistake from many years ago.

The least he deserved was a goodbye this time.

* * *

It was almost noon when she stepped on the shore of Foosha again. This time her arrival caused a stir in town, she was well known, even in remote parts of the East Blue. She didn't stop and try to tell them she didn't come for trouble, because if Shanks was still as riled up as last night then there might just be exactly that: trouble.

While she was standing there, wondering whether to go to the pub or not something a bit off the road caught her eyes.

She had seen a few of those before and it had been a riddle she hadn't been able to solve for the longest time.

And the answer ripped her heart open. She started to run. So far every scribbling had brought her a smile and a bright day but this one gave her something of much greater value. It gave her hope, that maybe she hadn't lost everything.

She had almost reached the pub when she stopped. And she smiled. So he had his father's eyes after all. She hoped along with that came the heart of gold.

"Hello, Luffy, right?" At first the boy just stared at her. But then he smiled brightly and Mihawk found she had to fight the urge to hug him. Not just for the resemblance again but because of how genuine it was. And hugging a foreign child in the middle of the street would be an incredibly weird thing to do. So she held back.

"Yes, that's me! And who are you? Have you seen a man with a straw hat and red hair? We are playing hide and seek!" But they didn't have to look anymore, he appeared from the inside of a barrel.

"Luffy, come over here." While Shanks was relieved she was back, he feared that she might ruin his plan somehow. Not to punish him, he had stopped thinking she was out to torture him, but because she was convinced it was the best for Luffy. When it came to this part other motherhood Mihawk was passing with flying colors.

While Luffy obediently walked over to him, Shanks looked at Mihawk. She looked different then usual. More tired, but that was no surprise. What was however was the way she walked, stood and looked at him. It all seemed less stiff, less rigid. He was sure should he spare with her right now; it would be the same fluent movements she had been known for since the beginning of her impressive career.

"I found your message. And not just that one." He couldn't quite believe his ears.

"Luffy, why don't you wait at Makino's for me? I'll be there soon." He gently pushed Luffy into motion and with glancing over his shoulder a couple of times he was on his way.

"I didn't know there was someone still thinking fondly of me, least of all you." Her tears were cried, enough to last her a lifetime, so she smiled hesitantly up to him.

"I don't hate you, Dracule. I hated what you did to me, but not you. Never. I can't believe you found them though." He smiled now too, just as hesitantly. Mihawk took a step closer to him. She tried, but she couldn't remember the last time he had smiled at her.

"I always felt like I had one last friend somewhere. Thank you, for not hating me." There was a sob shaking her but Shanks couldn't see her cry any longer. That wasn't her, and he wanted the Mihawk back that he had fallen in love, so many years ago. So he closed the gap between them and wrapped his arms around her tightly. Her grip was just as fierce, just as desperate.

"I could never hate you. Every time I wrote your name in the sand or soil or dirt or wall or wherever. That is how often I have forgiven you, how often I wished I had you back by my side. Last night... Even last night I forgave you."

Mihawk didn't look up; she rested to comfortably on his chest. It was all too good to be true, too perfect to not be a mirage. The only thing that told her it was indeed not a dream was the feeling of his lips on hers, a sensation too real to be a memory.

After they parted Mihawk kept close to his face, her gaze, gentle this time, searching for his eyes. "You have me back, my love. If you let go."

* * *

They left the next morning. Luffy begged for the hundredth time to be allowed to come along and for the hundredth time Shanks declined.

It wasn't easy. In fact, it was the hardest thing he had ever done.

But talking with Mihawk through the last night had him truly believe now that it was better like this. They would keep an eye on Luffy from afar, the both of them this time, and Makino had freely offered her help too.

So in Foosha everything would remain how it was before Shanks first set his foot down, not even knowing he had a child. lying next to each other they had marveled how many coincidences had brought them here together, giving them one day as a family and Shanks and Mihawk a second chance to make it work in the future.

They would still hide their relationship, Mihawk would stay a shichibukai and would continue to refuse to get involved in anything Shanks was doing or not doing.

One thing however would remain. One thing would always reveal the strong connection Shanks shared with the little boy standing now in front of him, no longer trying to hide his despair over being left behind. Luffy didn't know it was his father that placed his straw hat on the much smaller head.

Luffy didn't know, would never know, his biggest wish had been granted from the very day he was born.


	2. Epilogue

_For pearl, one year of awesomeness _

Epilogue

It has been a quiet morning, so when his men stirred before noon Shanks was mildly alarmed. But when a familiar slender hand pushed the opening of his tent to the side he closed his eyes again while a grin grew on his lips.

"You're almost cute when you pretend to sleep."

Shanks open one eye and grinned even wider. "I never pretended to sleep, my love. Just waiting for you to join me down here."

With a small chuckle Mihawk slipped out of her cloak and under his covers. Not a second later Shanks was hovering above her, planting a small kiss on her lips.

"Good morning. You are wearing an awful lot of clothing." Mihawk just shook her head. She should have waited outside for him to join her.

"And you are still an awful lot of drunk, handsome. Before we celebrate though, don't you want to know _what_ we are celebrating?" Shanks blinked a few times, trying to remember today's date.

"We are celebrating something specific? Erm… it's not our birthday… It's not our anniversary… it's not Luffy's birthday…" Then his eyes snapped open.

"You are not pregnant, are you?" Mihawk closed her eyes to keep calm but couldn't help a small smile.

"No, calm down…" She opened her eyes again and looked straight in his.

"But it is about our little one." She leaned over to her coat once more and pulled a piece of paper out of it while Shanks kept mumbling about how he hadn't been freaked out to begin with.

"Here, take a look at this. He's really doing it, Shanks." Confused Shanks took the paper out of her hand and with a few seconds delay a toothy grin spread on his face. Then he jumped up and was out of the tent in seconds.

"He's done it! EVERYONE! Luffy's officially a pirate now!"

Mihawk stepped out of the tent behind him just in time to see Benn shake his head while turning away from Shanks' lack of covering.

"Let's hope Luffy's wearing clothes at least…"

_Thank you all for reviewing on the last chapter, I really wasn't sure about it then. There won't be a continuation like there was with ONE but this epilogue I think goes very well along with the oneshot and give some kind of closure :) I hope you enjoyed this small extra bit!_

_I was glad I could thank you guys for your feedback :) _

_Until next time! :D_


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